Thursday, November 19, 2009

Revised Fiction Story

This week I have been learning about revision. I revised my fiction story from the last blog post. Here is my revision. Tell me if you like it better this way or if you like it better the other way.


No, I can not think of anything to write about, wait, I just did. I think that I have to tell a fiction story.

In the middle of the night, a baby named Merrick started crying his head off. His mom and dad did not know what to do. They asked, “Should we feed him or change him or let him sleep with us?” Then finally they changed him and discovered that he had diarrhea. Then they discovered that the diarrhea had leaked all over Merrick’s clothes, so Merrick’s Mom and Dad gave Merrick a bath to clean him up. Then they put Merrick on their bed and sang some lullabies to him and in five minutes he was asleep. They carried him to his crib and watched Merrick to make sure he was ok. Merrick’s mom and Dad were still really worried.

But then, Merrick’s 2 year old sister, Mara, started crying her head off. Her parents said, “Not again,” to each other. They went into Mara’s room and decided to change her. She had diarrhea, too. Mara’s parents tried to get Mara in the bath but she wouldn’t go into the bath. So her Mom and Dad put Mara’s favorite bath toy in the bathtub. Mara got clean then she did not want to get out of the bathtub. So they took the bath toy away and got Mara out of the bathtub. Her parents put her on their bed and sang some lullabies to her. She was asleep in one minute. Mara’s Mom and Dad carried her back to her room and put her in her crib. They watched Mara to make sure she was ok. Mara’s parents were still really worried.

Suddenly, Merrick and Mara’s 4 year old brother, Jimmy, came out of his room and said “Mommy and Daddy, I had an accident.” “This is gross,” said Jimmy’s mom. They checked Jimmy’s underwear and discovered that Jimmy had diarrhea. So they put Jimmy in the bath. After a little while, Jimmy wanted all the bath toys in the bathtub. So Jimmy’s parents got all the bath toys for Jimmy to play with and then when he was clean he did not want to get out. He played and played. After 2 hours his parents got him out of the bath and got him ready for bed. They put him on their bed and sang to him but Jimmy did not want to go to sleep. His parents finally got him to sleep. They carried him to his bed and tucked Jimmy in bed. They watched him to make sure Jimmy was ok. They were still really worried about all 3 children.

The next morning they took the kids to the doctor. The doctor said that they all had colds. The doctor said that the colds would only last up to five days to a week. The parents hoped the colds would only last for five days. All the kids got better in five days. The parents weren’t really worried anymore.

6 comments:

MaKayla said...

Huh?! I know this is fiction, but it sounds very familiar. I was laughing out loud reading the whole story. I thought it was very amusing. I also really enjoyed the "build-on" structure you used. Wonderful fiction story! I hope you don't mind if I share it.

Love,
Ms. MaKayla

Aunt Martha said...

Hi Abby:

I love the new story!

It was neat how you used three different babies in your story from different families.

I also liked the way you split things up into paragraphs for each baby.

Your Grandpa F. can tell you about how many revisions he always does when he writes articles. It takes him forever to get the final copy done!

Love,
Aunt Martha

Sadhna True said...

Dear Abby,

Your revised story is much better than the original story! I especially liked the part about how Jimmy would not get out of the bath tub. I was worried about the kids too, so I am glad that they all got better in the end. Great writing!

Love,
Sadhna

Anonymous said...

Dear Abby,
I like this version of your fiction writing much better than the original. You developed the story so much more, which made it more interesting for the reader. I thought your use of conversation was an improvement also. Keep up the good writing and please keep sharing your stories on your blog.

Love, Grandma F

Linc. said...

Hey, Ab--

Yes, the revision is a great improvement, and it develops nicely. I find it much more interesting.

And I look forward to more stories about your fictional family.

Aunt Martha mentioned how much time I spend on revising when I write articles and stories. I usually go through about eight drafts before I'm satisfied. Part of that process is that I have to keep many of my articles a certain length. But part of it is also that I'm very particular about having things right.

Revision always makes stories better for the readers, and it ensures that readers understand just what you want them to understand.

Love.

YeYe F.

The Dukes said...

Abby,

I like this second version much better, too.

I feel like in the first story you told us what happened and in this second story you described what happened. It is much more interesting, for me, to read a description of something than factual information alone. Thanks to your elaborations, I know more about the fictional family you were writing about and have a much better picture in my mind of how an entire evening unfolded for them.

I like picking version 1 versus version 2, can we do it again?!! Please!